GI Joe: Reiteration
by Asterisk78
Summary: Just because it's a terrible movie's sequel doesn't mean it has to be sophomoric. This chapter: Ripcord drops in, Storm Shadow reveals a real talent for holding grudges, and Flint attempts to add an air of Romanticism to a less-than-ideal situation.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: In the spirit of full disclosure, I have caveats about this story: first, it's a sequel to _Rise of CGI_. It seems like an act of monumental narcissism to write a sequel to my own postmodern-ish parody fanfiction, but it also seems completely appropriate on some level so here we are. I suspect this story will be funnier with the background, but if you simply _must_ read _this_ story _right now_ without it then I guess what you need to know is that it was a parody of _Rise of Cobra_ and the assorted badfic it produced, MSTed by our two favorite ninjas. Other than that, I've tried to keep the two fairly separate, for reasons that will become obvious later.

The second caveat is that, as this is technically movieverse, characterizations and relationships have been adjusted accordingly. So, is Scarlett emotionally stunted? Does Flint have no defining characteristics? Does Jinx have zero lines that aren't purely expository? This isn't my fault. In fact, someone got paid to do that. I do take responsibility for any general pettiness or genre-savvy commentary, although obviously I own nothing.

Anyhow, let the games begin.

* * *

He knew what had happened the moment he saw Snake Eyes' surprise. It had, after all, been too good to be true.

Storm Shadow had received a note - a deeply apologetic note - apparently from Snake Eyes. He had appreciated its thoroughness, its humility, and its general consideration for human life. It was eloquent and beautifully phrased. It had been an apology of remarkable perspicacity, of particular subtlety, of a certain noble turn of mind that Storm Shadow almost admired. It had even groveled a little bit - he would have accepted more, but it was certainly enough to get him feeling a little bit charitable.

Of course Snake Eyes hadn't written it.

_So, are you here to apologize? _Snake Eyes had asked him, just moments ago.

"Don't be stupid. You're here to apologize to me," Storm Shadow had replied.

It was then that he saw Jinx, crouching on the side of a building just inside earshot. She was smiling eagerly. Suddenly, it all made sense.

"Jinx, come down from there. You're not going to parent-trap us."

"But you were meant to be best friends!" Jinx said, sliding down to stand beside them. "You kind of made up at the end of the fight at Fort Sumter, but then Storm Shadow just walked off into the greater Charleston Metropolitan area. Where is he going? Is he coming back? It's confusing, but also dissatisfying. So I decided to fix it."

"While we're not actively trying to murder each other anymore, it was mostly an alliance of convenience," Storm Shadow said. "Besides, I would never be friends with Snake Eyes."

_Tommy's only hobby is hating people,_ Snake Eyes said. _Also, he never shuts up._

"And I am not best friends with psychopaths," Storm Shadow added.

"I hate it when you fight," Jinx said, looking sullen. "Can't you just take this opportunity to overcome your history and start again?"

"No. That would require Snake Eyes to admit that he was wrong, which is of course impossible because he's just the most _perfect_," Storm Shadow said.

"But then how are you supposed to MST the movie together?" Jinx asked. "And make fun of Mary Sues?"

_We're not going to,_ Snake Eyes replied. _Actually, Tommy is lucky I'm letting him walk away with all of his limbs, given that someone's assassination of the president of Pakistan is the reason Scarlett is dead._

"Excuse me, but some of us believe in democratic self-determination," Storm Shadow said. "And I was not informed of the part of the plan where it was an overly-complicated gambit to murder every single person in your gigantic unit, because it was in fact part of _my_ overly-complicated gambit to break Cobra Commander out of jail. Besides, where were you at the time?"

_I was doing important things_, Snake Eyes replied.

"Were you stalking me again?"

_Of course not. Don't be absurd_.

"If only you could've developed that charming personality trait in time to save me from being raised by Zartan. But no, that would have been much too convenient."

_Everything is always about you, isn't it?_

"It would be nice, frankly, if something _were_ about me for once," Storm Shadow replied.

Jinx had watched the exchange with growing dismay. This wasn't working out the way she had planned - in fact, it was devolving rapidly toward a fist fight - and she had to do something drastic. She cleared her throat.

"Fine. If you won't mock the movie, then I will."

* * *

It was night at the DMZ. Under the cover of darkness, GI Joe moved toward the perimeter. Or at, at least, it was probably GI Joe, although the only recognizable character from the last movie was Duke, so that except for the name on the ticket stub it could have been an absolutely surreal sequel to _Magic Mike_.

When they reached the fence, Roadblock pulled out a pair of magic gloves. They melted through the cyclone fence almost instantly, which is dumb because physics. Duh.

"Hey, banter banter," Roadblock said to Duke.

"Banter banter repartee!" Duke replied. "Isn't that right, Mouse?"

"I'm here to make you sad when I die," Mouse said. "Because unlike any of the Cobra mooks in this movie, I'm a real person!"

"Hey, do any of you mind if I go do some hijinks?" Flint asked.

"Go ahead, Flint," Duke replied. "We fully support any and all hijinks. They're funny and make you seem like something more than a stock action movie adrenaline junkie."

"Flint, please don't get into any hijinks. I think the writers are trying to set you up as a little bit of a tool, but really it's just coming across as stupid," Jaye said, the exasperation in her voice obvious even over the radio.

"Oh man, ladies are nags! Am I right?" Duke said. He and Mouse high-fived. "That's why this movie only barely passes the Bechdel Test!"

"I'm just trying to avoid an international incident with a nuclear nation," Lady Jaye replied. No one listened.

Mouse, Duke, and Roadblock slunk down into the DMZ proper, signaling for the defector, whom they eventually found in a truck. They hustled him out of the DMZ, but not before Flint managed to run some eagle flag up in the place of the North Korean flag.

Oh, that's supposed to be the GI Joe symbol? When did _that_ become a thing? Well, they changed it and now it sucks.

God, this is so _dumb_. And when I point out all the ways it's dumb, that's funny.

[Insert reviewer-pleasing canon in-joke here]

* * *

Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes had stopped arguing, and were looking at her with something like shock. Finally, Storm Shadow spoke. "Well, that was literally the worst thing I've ever heard."

_You could at least try to be nice about it_, Snake Eyes said. _I, for one, liked how you spelled most of the characters' names correctly most of the time._

"But that is what you do, right?" Jinx asked, trying to sound innocent.

"In the bluntest sense of it," Storm Shadow replied. "But it's more than that, Jinx. You can't just say things are stupid, you have to _show_ why they're stupid. And your default criticism of this movie can't just be that's sexist, even if having Jaye nag Flint about things does have some unfortunate implications."

_It's also worth noting that this had different problems than _Rise of Cobra, Snake Eyes said. _And also some weirdly identical problems. Seriously, do we have a quota of European cities to destroy?_

"Maybe it's impossible to make fun of," Jinx said wistfully. "I mean, _Rise of Cobra_ could at least be described as earnestly bizarre. This was just 100 minutes of impactless violence." She sighed again, hoping she wasn't hamming it up too much. "This is just too hard. I can't do it."

_Well, I don't think it's impossible_, Snake Eyes admitted. _I mean, in a purely theoretical sense_.

"Of course it's not impossible. But we hate each other, so of course we wouldn't make fun of it together," Storm Shadow said.

_Obviously. That's something friends do._

"Yes. And we're not friends. We don't agree about _anything_."

"But isn't it shameful to our clan that I'm so very bad at this?" Jinx asked. "I mean, I really am the worst. If only there were someone to teach me."

"She's your apprentice."

_She's your cousin._

"Second cousin, but close enough." Storm Shadow sighed. "Look, Jinx-"

He was interrupted by the appearance of a woman who made a beeline for Snake Eyes, ignoring everything else around her. "Babe, you're late for our date."

_What?_

"Our first date," she said, tossing impractically long dark hair over her shoulder. "You're late for it. I've been waiting at the karaoke place for hours. You silly, cuddly ninja, always late for things. It's so endearing."

_What?!_

"Jinx. Do you have a way to get out of here?" Storm Shadow whispered urgently, eyeing the Sue. She was beginning to invade Snake Eyes's personal space. They didn't have long.

"I'll bring the car around." Jinx sprinted off, smiling to herself. Even if it wasn't quite what she had planned, she supposed that in the end, a road trip would work just as well as a parent trap to forcibly reconstruct her clan.


	2. Chapter 2

"Let me get this straight: we're driving from nowhere, in no particular direction, across an undescribed landscape. Does that strike you as odd?" Storm Shadow asked.

_I guess it would have been nice to have some setting—_

"And to what end? To make fun of a bad movie? To mock Mary Sues? There will always be bad movies, and there will always be Sues, and to struggle against them is essentially futile. Life is long and full of bad art and then we die, Snake Eyes, and we may as well give up our pretentious, self-imposed quests before we become a cliché or a terrorist, whichever comes first."

_If I'd known you were going to have an existential crisis, I would have given you shotgun_, Snake Eyes admitted.

"Is that all you can say? Offer me the pathetic ability to adjust the air conditioner to sooth me? No, Snake Eyes, there is no opiate against the horror of our existence. Not even access to a cup holder."

_I like to think of things like this as throwing back starfish that have washed up on shore. Most of them might be goners, but you might be able to help a few, and that has to be enough._

"Your life philosophy is Facebook copypasta. It is pathetic."

_You don't get to say anything until you've read the original Eiseley. Also, you don't seem to have a lot of insight on this. Unless I've forgotten the passage where your precious Sun Tzu discusses existential angst?_

"Why are you offering me a solution when all I want to do is sit here and eloquently loathe myself?"

"For what it's worth, I'm driving to the Sierras," Jinx said. "As if either of you thought to ask me before you went all _No Exit_."

"Oh." Storm Shadow considered this for a moment. "Why the Sierras?"

"The cabin isn't in the movie. So, if we go there, it should be safe, at least for a time. It's not a perfect solution, but as you already pointed out, it's not like there are any," Jinx said.

_And I imagine the trip there will help us forge bonds of friendship or something?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Of course it will. I mean, we're going to be trapped in a car together for days. How does suffering like that _not_ bring us closer together?" Jinx asked.

"And you aren't worried that at the end of this we'll just hate each other?" Storm Shadow asked.

"Oh, what are you going to do, try and kill each other?" Jinx replied.

"Point taken."

* * *

And now, for an informative PowerPoint on the current status of GI Joe and Cobra, which will give you information that you definitely could _not_ have gotten through dialogue. I repeat: we had to show you this with still images and a voiceover in our movie – which is indeed short for _moving picture_ – not for discernible artistic reasons, but because there is literally no other way to tell you.

Duke now leads GI Joe, which is absolutely not because we are trying to gloss over the absence of Dennis Quaid. After the Nanomite Wars –

* * *

_Are you just going to namedrop that and then not explain it?_ Snake Eyes asked.

"Yes," Storm Shadow replied. "Why? I mean, who would want to know about something like a war? Especially a fascinating one with nanomites?"

_Just a little clarification would do. Was it just what we saw in the last movie? Or have the cities of the world been overtaken by nanomites, stripped of their metal, and turned into a burned-out hellscape?_

"Well, I could tell you what the more interesting answer would be," Storm Shadow said. "That, or I could tell you what they actually did in the movie."

* * *

After the Nanomite Wars, the pursuit of Cobra continued. While Destro and Cobra Commander are safely confined in what appear to be giant sea monkey aquariums, Zartan continues to impersonate the President to terrifyingly good reviews. Storm Shadow is also alive, apparently having been rescued by kindly mermaids. The world remains on high alert, although it appears to be more of an ideological than a practical position given the amount of destruction this band of backstabbing fools was able to wreak.

Questions, anyone?

* * *

_Kindly mermaids? That's not what you told me last time._

"So maybe I lied a little bit last time," Storm Shadow said. "They're harmless enough, as lies go. Anyhow, it's important to me to preserve my mystique."

_Your mystique?_

"Yes, my mystique. What did you think I meant?"

_I think you meant 'secret nanomites'_, Snake Eyes said. _I think you accepted nanomites at some point, which is why you're practically indestructible, and why you survived that polar bear plunge you took at the end of the last movie._

"That's a fan theory. A silly, unnecessary fan theory, given that I can stop my heart," Storm Shadow replied.

_But jumping into cold water can kill you all by itself. Besides, even if you did induce some sort of diving reflex, how did you make it to the surface in the state you were in? And then where did you go? Did you just hang around in the Arctic, wet and shirtless? Or did someone fish you out?_

"Maybe I was frozen in a block of ice and worshipped as a god until Namor showed up and threw me into the ocean in annoyance, where the Avengers found me," Storm Shadow said.

_You're not Captain America_.

"I was rescued by the _Flying Dutchman_."

_That's actually less probable_.

"The thing you killed was a Synthoid or a Doombot. Alternatively, _I_ am a Synthoid or a Doombot."

"Neither of those exist in this universe," Jinx said. "Besides, it's pretty obvious you're out of good ideas. Why don't you just admit that you have nanomites?"

"Maybe it was aliens," Storm Shadow said. "Or a vast government conspiracy? Or _both at once_."

Snake Eyes sighed in disgust. _No. This conversation is over_.

* * *

"Oh man, I'm so bad at video games," Duke said. "Maybe because I'm mashing these buttons with the dexterity of a toddler."

"It's funny because you're good at being a soldier in real life," Roadblock said. "By the way, I'm so glad you learned to act just in time to die."

Just then, Roadblock's children ran in, because obviously he needed to be even more likeable in the eyes of the audience. They were, of course, adorable.

While Duke and Roadblock were hogging all the good characterization, Pakistan descended into anarchy, perhaps in response to Duke's sudden ability to emote. The revolution was televised.

"Oh, well, would you look at that," Duke said. "It looks like we're going to go invade that sovereign nuclear nation."

"That was my conclusion too," Roadblock said. "Because of course the world needs GI Joe to come in to and moderate any and all tense, nuclear-proliferation-type situations. I see absolutely no way this could end badly."

* * *

_This shouldn't be working, _Snake Eyes said.

They had stopped for gas and Jinx had run off to do something nebulous, leaving the two ninja alone in the car. Snake Eyes couldn't believe it wasn't on purpose.

"It shouldn't be working?" Storm Shadow asked. "On the contrary, it's brilliant."

_It's completely transparent. A parent trap that turned into a road trip? This should have collapsed under its own weight about a chapter ago._

"Snake Eyes, neither the parent trap nor the road trip was the point," Storm Shadow replied. "The point is that now we can't leave."

_There's no reason we can't leave._

"But there is," Storm Shadow said. "I can't leave because it means that you win. You can't leave because you're the hero, and it kills you when you're not. And to top it all off, if we do manage to get over ourselves, she'll be upset and neither of us wants that. Kimi has us right where she wants us."

_It's diabolical_, Snake Eyes said after a moment. _Insidious, even._

"Well, she _is_ Arashikage. I wouldn't expect anything less."

_Though I'm still a little bit unclear on how you win a relationship._

"It has more to do with outlasting you then actually doing something constructive," Storm Shadow replied. "I just hope she took that into account when she constructed this little gambit. Speaking of Kimi, where is she?"

* * *

Jinx was trying to decide what item she had needed so badly. She knew she probably should have decided before she got out of the car, but she'd assumed it would be easy to find something. Of course, now she was overthinking it. She was lingering in front of a display of maps – if one still needed maps in the future, if they were even _in_ the future anymore – when she saw him.

He was attempting to watch her surreptitiously from behind a rack of candy beans. It would have been more surreptitious if he hadn't been wearing a ninja costume, and if he wasn't about four feet away from her, and if he didn't have remarkably piercing gray eyes. But it all seemed so painfully earnest that Jinx was tempted to give him points for effort.

"Can I help you with something?" she asked him finally.

"You can see me?" he asked.

"Yes," Jinx said, trying not to sound as exasperated as she felt. "Yes, I can."

"Good. I'm here to rescue you."

Jinx frowned. "You're here to rescue me?"

The gray eyes took on a faraway look. "I came to the Arashikage when I was just a child. While initially reluctant, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow came to accept me as a brother. We were happy then, the three of us, just as we should always have been. But the clan scattered after the death of the Hard Master, and by the time I found them again, Storm Shadow had turned to evil. Now I seek to redeem him, while simultaneously attempting to fight my own demons and trying to solve the mystery of my tragic past because amnesia, while also training to become the greatest ninja ever." He looked at her again. "And so, since you are obviously Storm Shadow's captive, I am here to rescue you before any harm comes to you. You may call me Rain Shadow."

"Let's see if I have this right: you took all the cool parts of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow's backstories, smooshed them together into one character, added amnesia and an improbable level of talent, and now you're here to rescue me because you think To – I mean, _Storm Shadow_, might hurt me?" Jinx asked.

"He's evil. I don't know what he's told you, but they're all lies," Rain Shadow said. "Quickly, come with me somewhere safe before I confront him." He stepped around the candy beans and attempted to grab her hand, but she pulled away.

"That's really okay," Jinx said. "I don't need to be rescued."

"You're fast," Rain Shadow said. "But that alone won't save you. Storm Shadow walks a path of darkness that only I – not Snake Eyes, or any of his other family members, or even he himself – can rescue him from, for I am the most special apprentice."

Jinx moved to put the shelf of candy beans between them. "Isn't that convenient for you. See, I'm still a bit unclear on how you came to that conclusion, why I should believe you, and frankly, why I should care."

He followed her. "Clearly, Storm Shadow has poisoned your mind. And why won't you let me rescue you?" he demanded. "You're in grave danger."

"Hey look, is that a clue to your past?" Jinx said, pointing emphatically over his shoulder with one hand and grabbing a jar of candy beans with the other. Rain Shadow turned.

* * *

"You made us stop so you could buy a jar of candy beans?" Storm Shadow asked. "_That's_ what you needed so badly? And that one's all cracked. You could have at least taken the time to pick one that wasn't used to bludgeon someone."

Jinx frowned. "They said that if I broke it, I had to buy it."

"A ninja does not simply drop a jar of candy beans."

"So maybe I broke it over the head of some idiot kid," Jinx said. "He deserved it."

_What did he do?_

"He tried to rescue me. Also, even if you two did have a younger brother, he was insufferable and gullible and I regret nothing."

_A Stu?_

"It must be," Storm Shadow said. "Well, that's a new one."

_Thank goodness Jinx beaned him._

"Congratulations, Snake Eyes. You have officially set the new world record for Worst Pun Ever," Storm Shadow said.

_Because all your one-liners are so amazing._

"Don't bring me into this. This is about you and your terrible pun. Anyway, if we don't have anything else to do, we should leave before he wakes up and presses charges."

"Don't worry, he won't," Jinx said. "The only justice system in badfic is revenge."

* * *

A/N: So, additional disclaimers are in order. I do not own the larger Marvel Universe, nor do I own _The X-Files_ or _Arrested Development_ (candy beans!) – or, in fact, any of the other properties I will invariably reference – and any and all Sues/Stus are not intended to resemble anything particular. Because obviously, everyone cares so intensely.


	3. Chapter 3

Kayley Peterson – although she preferred Kerlesshandra or Falcon Shriek, and her best and most secret friends called her Moon Wolf Snake Darkness – was excited beyond belief. She had heard that they might be here, but actually gazing upon them was almost too much for her. Finally, now, she could begin a most singular project, unparalleled in its ambition and most righteous in its motivation.

She was going to write a fanfic.

"Is there a reason you're hiding in those bushes?" Storm Shadow was staring at her, looking confused.

She emerged from the underbrush, picking leaves from her butterscotch hair. She didn't dare ask him how he had seen her. Snake Eyes was leaning against the car with him, and while she didn't really care what Storm Shadow thought of her, Snake Eyes was a different matter altogether.

"my name is kerlesshandra; but my code name is Flame Feather;" she began. "im just a regular girl in high school; and Now I've been Recruited By GI Joe."

Storm Shadow was _definitely_ bemused now, and even Snake Eyes seemed quizzical. "What was that?" Storm Shadow asked.

"My name is Kerlesshandra, and I was just recruited by GI Joe," she said.

"Why?"

"Because- because I won the Hunger Games," Kayley said. "I'm from District 15."

"Well, brother, I have to say that I appreciate that your team's hiring policy does not discriminate due to age, or apparently, ever being in contact with reality," Storm Shadow said. "And yes, she _did_ say Hunger Games. Even if you misheard, I certainly didn't."

Snake Eyes signed something else fast and indecipherable to Storm Shadow.

"No, I don't know how that's possible. It implies that our government is the Capitol, which makes no sense, since we meet the President of the United States in this movie. Although it does kind of explain her name."

"Anyway, the real question is who I'll fall for," Kayley said. "Will it be Duke? Or Snake Eyes? Or Flint? Or someone else?" Were there any hot guys on GI Joe she had missed? Kayley paused to think.

"Yes, because when someone writes a story about a girl who has put time and effort into cultivating a skill until she is one of the best in the world, my first thought is always to wonder who her boyfriend is," Storm Shadow said.

"But I was planned for Flint," Kayley said.

"Snake Eyes wants to point out that people _aren't_ supposed to seem like they're created for each other, and that's what makes stories interesting," Storm Shadow said. "I'm actually more interested in what Lady Jaye is going to do to you, but I guess he has a point too."

Kayley was about to reply when Jinx appeared. "I leave you two alone for three minutes, and I find you feeding the trolls," Jinx said. "You just can't help yourselves, can you?"

"Kimiko, she's not a troll, she's the winner of the Hunger Games," Storm Shadow said. "Show a little respect."

"So she's just a Sue?" Jinx asked.

"Well, yes," Storm Shadow admitted.

"And not even a particularly weird one?" Jinx asked. "Just your average silly name and overblown skills and backstory stolen from elsewhere?"

"Fine, so maybe she's not the most spectacular Sue ever," Storm Shadow said. "And I should probably be more worried about how she found us than who she's paired with, but you were busy." With that, he opened the car door.

"Wait. You're leaving?" Kayley asked.

"We have places to be," Jinx said.

"Are you leaving because you think I'm a Sue? Because I'm not a Sue," Kayley said. "I have flaws. I do! I – I'm clumsy! And everyone makes fun of me because I drop things and trip a lot!" They ignored her. "And Snake Eyes needs me. He needs a girl, to make him happy."

"He needs you?" Jinx had stopped, looking skeptical. "What will happen if he doesn't get you? He'll turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?"

"Who's feeding the trolls now, you giant hypocrite?"

"Like I could let you have the last word."

Kayley watched them pull away, comforted only by the presence of her friendly saltwater crocodile, Snuffles. It wasn't fair. She was supposed to bewitch them, not watch them drive off without a second thought. She was attempting to decide between stamping her foot and weeping a single, crystal tear to express her frustration when she sensed someone behind her. "Who's there?" she asked.

"I am." A young man stepped from the bushes near where she had been hiding, holding a package of frozen peas to the back of his head.

"Who are you?"

"I am called Rain Shadow," he replied. "My colleagues and I have been watching you, Flame Feather, and we believe that between us we may share a common goal. Let me introduce you to them. They are very eager to meet you."

* * *

Flint was excited. Not because they were going to invade Pakistan, of course - that actually kind of freaked him out - but because they were in a helicopter. And that meant characterization. He wouldn't have guessed this on his own. It had seemed kind of counterintuitive, like the characterization was happening by accident on the way to somewhere, but Breaker had told him so. At the time, it had seemed wise to listen.

It had happened just before they left for North Korea. It had been a strange day to begin with, full of green-tinted light and sense of shifting paradigms. Flint was already hovering somewhere between anticipation and dread when Breaker had stepped from the shadows.

"Flint. I must speak to you, but already the hour grows late," Breaker said.

"Breaker, it's not even noon yet."

"Listen to me. This will sound mad, but if you wish to survive this movie, you must understand to what I'm going to tell you."

It was then that Flint noticed that Breaker seemed less opaque than usual. The light seemed to pass through him, as though he were a fading memory.

"Breaker, what's happening to you?"

"I'm being retconned," Breaker replied. "But I'm passing on my knowledge from the first movie to you, Flint, so that you can be genre-savvy enough to help your team."

"How do you know the first movie will be anything like the second movie?" Flint had asked. "Shouldn't everything be completely different this time around?"

Breaker sighed in exasperation. "My generalizations are three. First, any given backstory will include at least one of these elements: death of family members, attending the school of hard knocks, or having daddy issues. Use this knowledge to your advantage. Second, if you're in a vehicle going to or from a mission, it's time for some characterization." Breaker paused, a faraway look coming into his eyes.

"And the third piece of secret knowledge?" Flint asked.

"It is perhaps the most important that I can bequeath to you. If you see a helicopter approaching, it comes bearing plot. It is beyond the ken of humankind whether it brings good or ill, but know that the narrative will be irrevocably changed," Breaker said. "Best of luck to you, Flint. I would stay, but I am nearly written out." With that, he'd wandered off down the hall, trailing bits of what looked disconcertingly like ectoplasm.

But now that he was in the helicopter, Flint had to admit that there didn't seem to be a lot of characterization going on. Unless, of course, bantering about bullets that could change direction in mid-air was a kind of characterization. But what hadn't worked for _Wanted_ wasn't working here either, and all he could think about was how happy he was that Mouse was going to die, and how tantalizingly close he was to Lady Jaye. Stupid Mouse with his stupid face and his stupid, obvious appeals to the audience's emotion. Stupid Jaye, being all charming and competent and gorgeous and calling him out on being an overgrown frat boy. Stupid both of them, hardly letting him talk.

Somewhere in the background, he could hear Roadblock quoting Jay-Z, and it was then that Flint realized what was happening. Someone was getting characterization. It just wasn't him.

* * *

"Well, he certainly seems impatient. Is he with you?"

Storm Shadow followed the receptionist's gaze to where Snake Eyes was lingering outside the door of the motel, intent on their conversation.

"Yes. He usually lets me take care of things like this, but I guess he got tired of waiting in the car." Storm Shadow waited as she rummaged around for the room keys.

"Lucky man. I can barely get _my_ boyfriend to take out the trash."

For a moment, he considered correcting her. But opportunities like this weren't something to just throw away; nobody ever wanted to hear about weird friend-adopted-brother-rival issues. Really, the greater crime would have been not taking it.

"Like he appreciates – or even bothers to understand – half the things I do for him," Storm Shadow said. "Of course, he can never seem to see my side of things, which I'm sure doesn't help."

The receptionist nodded sympathetically. "But then he's just so likeable and well-meaning that getting annoyed makes you look like the jerk? Believe me, I know. Everyone runs into one of those eventually."

"Even my own family likes him better than me," he said. "I just can't win, you know?"

"The only way to win is to dump him," she said, handing him the room keys. "At least, that's what I did."

"Believe me, I've tried," he said, smiling bitterly. "He's remarkably persistent."

The moment he was out the door, Snake Eyes demanded to know what they had been talking about.

"Oh, it was nothing."

_Tommy, I can read lips._

"Then you don't need me to tell you."

_You shouldn't. It encourages _them.

"The yaoi fangirls? Everything encourages the yaoi fangirls. I mean, _we_ both know that you're the closest thing that I'm ever going to have to a sibling, and that I'm basically married to revenge, and that you're only ever going to have eyes for Scarlett, but I just don't think factors like that are what's going to change their minds. So it's not like it's hurting anything. Besides, it's good cover."

_It's not. It's just that you're good at rationalization, which makes it seem that way._

"You wound me. Anyway, it's not like I'm the only one of us using rationalization to sleep at night, I'm sure," Storm Shadow said, handing Snake Eyes one of the sets of keys. "Although maybe we'll find out tonight. You know how I like to watch you sleep…or not."

_Don't wink at me. It's like blood in the water._

"Snake Eyes, we've seen nary a fangirl since lunch. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

_Exactly. They're too quiet._

"You're more paranoid than I am, but then again you're probably right. That is why I keep you around, I suppose," Storm Shadow said. "But I think all we can do is keep an eye out and get off to an early start."

_Or you could stop flirting with me._

"You're such a tease, brother. Don't be cruel."

_You think this is funny now, but we'll see if you're still laughing when the awkward erotica starts showing up. All I'm saying is that if you cringe enough you can get stuck that way._

"Is _that_ what the mask is for?"

Snake Eyes sighed in exasperation.

"Relax, I didn't expect you to dignify that with a reply. Anyway, I'm going to go give the other key to Kimi. You go on ahead. Dibs on the comfortable bed."

_That's not how dibs works. You have to actually be there._

"Semantics. Don't make me fight you for it."

* * *

For the second time in the course of the movie, Roadblock and Duke were bonding over shooting things. Granted, it was real things this time, and they did have an undeniable chemistry, but it failed to add any depth to their relationship that the video game scene hadn't.

"I can't believe our dumb friendship is hogging all this time in the movie and Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow haven't even shown up yet," Roadblock said casually.

"I don't even know why you would make that comparison. They're not actually friends," Duke said. "And be quiet so I can shoot this cupcake. Even if shooting a stationary cupcake with my eyes open with a gun isn't even really a challenge. I'm just saying, if you could go get some ground squirrels and maybe a scarf, we could make this _really_ interesting."

"You're sick. Just take your shot."

Duke raised the scope to his eye – even though, as previously stated, it was child's play – took a deep breath, pulled back the trigger—

"And would you like to explain what you meant by real friends?"

The shot missed, Duke turned back to Roadblock. "Real friends don't kill each other, or roofie each other, nor does a real friend kill all the other friend's henchmen, or take them home to a family that wants to kill them. Although I would happily watch children, which is what these two normal people are offering to do for each other. I'm amazing at Hide and Seek."

"To be fair, all of those situations had mitigating circumstances," Roadblock said, pulling out his M2 Browning. It chewed through cupcake, post, and about ten feet of biological soil crust on either side of the target in seconds.

"Really. There's a mitigating reason you had to take me back home? It was a farce of a trial, Snake Eyes. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to extract a guilty plea from me via thumbscrew."

"Your aunt made us give away the thumbscrew."

"It was a metaphor," Duke said. "Because it was medieval."

"That's pretty appropriate, for ninja," Roadblock said.

"Well, how about the time you killed me?"

"To be fair, you had just blown up Paris."

"And the Red Ninja?"

"Most of them just died of incompetence," Roadblock replied.

"Not the ones you threw off a mountain."

"They were incompetent for letting me throw them off a mountain."

Duke was about to reply when Flint ran over to them. "You guys, you have to stop talking and get ready." He pointed to the sky, toward a bunch of ominous black helicopters. "The plot is coming."

* * *

"Seriously, I'm the one who sucks at this?" Jinx asked. "Because I'm pretty sure that was the thing where therapists let you play out your trauma with dolls."

"They were bantering. Like friends."

" 'Your aunt made us give away the thumbscrew'? 'That's pretty appropriate for a ninja?'" Jinx asked. "How would Roadblock know what was appropriate for a ninja, anyhow?"

_Because he's a chef-ninja-commando-boxer-father_, Snake Eyes said. _If the plot requires it, he can know anything._

"Wait, since when was he a ninja?" Storm Shadow asked.

_I may have shown him a few things._

"You'll train anything that moves."

_Says the man who trained the Baroness._

"She was pretty. What's your excuse?"

* * *

**A/N:** So, while the updates have been somewhat uneven up until now, I'm hoping that it will be somewhat more consistent after this. This is what you get when you write without a buffer, like a bad person. Also, I've now collected a sufficient number of anonymous reviews that ask kind-of questions that I feel like I should reply, even though replying to reviews in your author's notes is unbearably old school.

First, with regards to Scarlett: I also kind of don't think she's dead – I'm honestly surprised they didn't just recast her – but I don't want to get Jossed. So, if she did show up here, it would probably be somewhat covert.

Second, with regards to the jar of candy beans, it was intended as a reference to the whole 'A ninja does not step on a land mine' thing, implying because Jinx is a ninja it can be assumed that she didn't do the clumsy, obvious thing (in this case, dropping the candy beans) and rather it just happens to look that way. Do rest assured that some of the more creative logic in _Retaliation_ has not escaped my notice.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So just a quick warning on this chapter, because there are politics - I know, I know, how terribly impolite of me. It's really supposed to be about the complete mishandling of the presidency and the shameless pandering that were implied by the movie (and not a commentary on any of the things that actually entails), and I think that's clear, but just in case I wanted it all to be unambiguous.

* * *

Zartan smiled. The President rolled his eyes.

"Can you guess why I'm here, Mr. President?" Zartan asked, absent-mindedly playing with a pair of pliers.

"Well, let's see. You seem happy, and you have pliers. I'm guessing torture, although maybe you just have some sort of passion for home improvement that I was unaware of."

"I prefer the term 'enhanced interrogation,'" Zartan said. "And I'm going to gloat first anyway, because I need to further my incredibly timely analogy to a presidential administration that ended five years ago."

"Your audacity is an inspiration to us all," the President said sardonically.

"Yes, I know. Anyway, Mr. President, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my approval ratings – or, I guess I should say, your approval ratings. They're excellent."

"What did you say?" the President asked. "Oh wait, let me guess. You made a bunch of impossible promises, and then blamed some vague scapegoat when it didn't work?"

"I said I would cut everyone's taxes by a billion percent, and then offer a bunch of social programs that would obviously improve their quality of life astronomically, but which would not require any additional bureaucracy or cost any money, and thus wouldn't be Big Government. Also, I said we were going to war with the moon," Zartan replied.

"No one lives on the moon."

"That's just what some nebulous outside corporate powers _want_ you to think," Zartan replied. "You elitist."

The president sighed. "So you became a crazy demagogue."

"Correction: _you_ became a crazy demagogue."

"Well, did you at least push through that education funding bill that was on my desk when you kidnapped me?" the President asked. "I had representatives willing to propose it in both houses and everything."

"Oh, no. After I privatized the army so I could hire Cobra, I was so taken with the idea that I privatized _everything_, schools included," Zartan said.

"_Everything_ everything?" the President asked.

"Yes. The police, the highway system, the Federal Reserve, everything I could think of. It's fantastic."

"So I guess my carefully-crafted Keynesian economic policy is off the table," the President said.

"Pretty much. But that's just what you have to do, when you're at war with the moon. After all, according to the Ministry of Truth, we've _always_ been at war with the moon," Zartan said. "I had to break a few eggs."

"Did you come down here for a reason?" the President asked. It wasn't that he was looking forward to the torture, but the heavy-handed whatever-this-was – fascism, maybe – was beginning to get to him. Also, he was going to have to have a good long talk with whoever thought "Ministry of Truth" was an acceptable name for any sort of government agency, ever.

"Oh, that's right. I was going to pull your teeth out until you told me where Destro and Cobra Commander are," Zartan said.

"And you couldn't just ask someone?" the President asked. "And what makes you think I know, necessarily? I got captured by you almost as soon as Cobra started attacking people. I might not even know where they are."

"This seems like a lot more fun than just asking, to be honest," Zartan replied. "Besides, after I unceremoniously fired all your staffers to cover up my deception, I wouldn't even know who to ask. Open wide, this will only hurt every time you breathe."

* * *

_Since when did Zartan become a psychopath?_ Snake Eyes, who sat beside Storm Shadow on the roof of the rest stop, glanced over to gauge the other man's reaction.

"It beats me where they got any of his characterization," Storm Shadow admitted. "But he does seem to take a disturbing level of pleasure in what he does, doesn't he? I mean, especially with the knowledge that he was responsible in part for my training, the bit where he killed Cover Girl and played it off as an 'accident' takes on a completely different meaning."

_It's horrifying._

"So now you care. I suppose I should consider that encouraging."

_I_ –

"I wish you wouldn't argue about me. It just breaks my heart." She looked up at them with an oddly coy earnestness, and smiled.

_Wait, what?_

"I said, I don't like it when you argue about me. I chose, and that's the end of that," she said.

"Do we get context?"

"Don't you remember? I've always been attracted to Snake Eyes, but when Storm Shadow joins the Joes I realize that he, too, has killer abs, so I'm faced with the conundrum of who to pick. I picked Snake Eyes, even though Storm Shadow and I will always be best friends," she replied.

_Is that just the plot of _Twilight?

"It is. And there are also the questions of what she's doing in the military, exactly, and what her name is, but somehow I think that since none of those things have interfered with her wish fulfillment so far we're probably never going to get answers," Storm Shadow said. "And for your information, Nameless Girl, we were not arguing about you. We were having a philosophical debate about Zartan."

"Is he hot?" she asked.

Storm Shadow frowned. "He's the one who's pretending to be the president."

"Oh. Ew, why are you talking about him?" she asked.

_Because he contributes to the psychological development of several major characters in ways that deviate significantly from other versions of this franchise?_

"Boring. Don't you want to hear about our wedding?" she asked.

"I would like to know how you're doing invitations if neither of you have proper names," Storm Shadow said.

"But Snake Eyes does have a name," she replied.

_Damn it all._

"Oh? What is it?" Storm Shadow asked. "I mean, I'm sure whatever ridiculous name you've arbitrarily assigned to him will really give you insight into his character, even more than the heavily symbolic nickname he adopted for himself."

_Why aren't you shooting her already?_

"I left my bow in the car."

_Liar. It's right there._

"Fine, but do it yourself. I want to hear what your name is."

"He's Fang from _Maximum Ride_, so obviously that's what we'd put on the invitations. But he calls himself Snake Eyes because he has the steely gaze of a snake," she said.

_What._

"Besides the part where he's somehow hiding wings under a Spandex suit, you do realize that 'snake eyes' is just rolling a pair of ones with dice, right? It has nothing to do with actual snakes or eyes, and everything to do with being permanently unlucky," Storm Shadow said. "Anyhow, I think it's about time to send you back to spend some quality time with a red pen-"

"Oh, Storm Warning said you wouldn't want to do that."

Storm Shadow paused, and turned to Snake Eyes. "You wouldn't happen to know who that is, would you?"

_A Bonnie Raitt song?_

"Well then, Nameless Girl, it looks like you might just be interesting enough to keep alive for a little bit longer. Do tell me about Storm Warning."

* * *

"I'd like to begin this press conference by making a brief statement about the circumstances that have caused me to call it. From what we can tell, GI Joe has entered Pakistan illegally in order to steal nuclear weapons, while it appears that Snake Eyes murdered the president of Pakistan to give them a pretext for being there. In order to control the situation, I sent my awesome private army in to blow them all to hell. Any questions?" Zartan looked over the press corps, who sat there in stunned silence. Finally, a woman in the front reluctantly stood up.

"Mr. President, I'd like a little clarification on what exactly you mean by 'private army,' and it would be nice if you could explain how this doesn't constitute you overreaching your executive powers."

"By 'private army', I mean an army that I hired that answers only to me, sort of like if the Praetorian Guard had helicopters. And as for my executive powers, political science is for boring losers," Zartan said. "Next?"

"Who is GI Joe?" asked another reporter.

"What?"

"Who are these people? Are they the people who we saw a couple years back in Paris? Because they were with NATO. You don't have the authority to discipline them if they're with NATO," the reporter said. "Also, this is a top-secret unit you're referring to like we should know who they are already. Should we?"

"First of all, all of these people are in the U.S. military now," Zartan said. "And I have no idea if you should know who they are, but they're dead now, so I don't think it really matters."

The first woman stood up again. "Mr. President, how do you plan on repairing diplomatic ties with Pakistan?"

"Oh, did we hurt their feelings?" Zartan asked.

"U.S. soldiers invaded a sovereign nation, murdered their head of state, and stole their nuclear arsenal. We're honestly lucky that they haven't declared war on us," she said.

"Again with your boring political reality. You're really harshing my buzz, lady." Zartan sighed. "But I'll make it up to them next week when they attend my special summit for nuclear countries. Meanwhile, let's all get acquainted with Cobra, which is completely unrelated to that unfortunate incident last year with those terrorists who had a thing for snakes."

* * *

Rather than hanging out on the roof, Jinx had taken the stop as an opportunity to stretch her legs, setting out on a short trail that wound down into the wash below. She made it about a hundred meters before she ran into a Stu. Or at least she thought he was a Stu. Unlike the others, whose garish characterization made them easy to pick out, he was merely unnatural. But there was something unnerving in his bland and inoffensive face. Perhaps it was uncanny smugness or knowledge, or perhaps the fact that he was wearing a pair of hideous sunglasses in full shade. Either way, Jinx felt a vague sense of unease.

"Don't tell me you're going to try and rescue me too," she said. "Just so you know, your princess is in another castle."

"Oh, no. It's nothing so cliched," the Stu said. "I'm really just here to ask you what you're doing."

"What I'm doing?"

"Yes, what you're doing."

Jinx sighed. "I'm not just going to give you information because you ask for it."

"Fair enough. I know you're trying to rebuild your clan, and you think that's predicated on Snake Eyes and Tommy becoming bestest friends. It's sweet and it's idealistic, but seriously Kimi, do you honestly expect anyone to believe that you got here from a clear-eyed assessment of the facts?" he asked.

Odd, that he knew their names. Odder, that this stranger cared about clan dynamics. Jinx frowned. "Who are you?"

"I'm Storm Warning."

"Creative. And uninformative."

"Well, we can't all have badass last names," Storm Warning replied. "Anyhow, I know it sounded rhetorical, but I meant what I asked. Why a family reunion?" When she did not even begin to answer, he smiled knowingly. "For what it's worth, I'm not from a rival clan. I'm just another self-insert who wants in on the action."

"You're awfully aware, for a self-insert."

"Joyce did self-inserts. We're not categorically bad," Storm Warning said. "But back to the matter at hand. You know, what I like the most is that you know you aren't dealing with some tragedy-forged bond of friendship. This Snake Eyes and this Storm Shadow are two strangers who spent six months trying to cave each others' faces in when they were ten, and they solve interpersonal problems with strangling and show trials. No, this is about you and what you want. Now, I'm a bit shaky on the metaphysics, so I'm curious whether you're motivated by remembering how things were in another continuity, or by some bland childhood nostalgia. Either way, it's all rather quixotic, but it's an important difference, at least to me."

"If you want answers, you could at least try to be civil," Jinx snapped. "But I would think it's obvious by now that the Arashikage take care of our own, or at least that we try to."

"It's still not a great answer, but I don't really know what I expected," Storm Warning said. "After all, we don't really know who you are, so I suppose it's cruel to ask why you want something. You have what, six lines in the movie? That's barely a sketch, much less a character. Anyway, I'm sure the cavalry will arrive if I keep you any longer, so I'll have to cut our conversation short. Always a pleasure, Jinx." With that, he walked into the underbrush, disappearing swiftly into the shaded depths of the wash.

She found Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow as she made her way back to the car. She frowned. "Tommy, where did your shirt go?"

"We dusted a vampire. It got a bit messy."

"A vampire?" Jinx asked.

_Really just a _Twilight_ fangirl who lacked a sense of context. But still dustable, apparently._

"Well, that's fortunate for you," Jinx said.

_Almost as fortunate as keeping stakes around in a universe with no vampires._

"I told you, you can never be too prepared," Storm Shadow said. "Although with the benefit of hindsight, I probably would have chosen something else. I wasn't expecting it to be quite so sparkly."

"I'm sorry I missed it," she admitted. "It sounds memorable."

"You were gone for a while."

"There was a Stu," she replied.

"She did say she was here with someone," Storm Shadow said, gesturing to the pile of glitter on the ground nearby. "Storm Warning or something."

"Yes, that was him." Jinx examined the gleaming pile of dust more carefully. "There was nothing odd about her, was there?"

"Not for a Sue, there wasn't," Storm Shadow replied. "Why?"

"Because there was something off about Storm Warning," Jinx said. "He was definitely arrogant enough to be a Stu, but he seemed to know a lot about us, and he was more interested in clan business than any of the others have been. Plus, he used the word 'quixotic' in casual conversation."

_Pretentious. Or a Scrabble player. _Snake Eyes considered this a moment. _Don't like it. W__e should go._

"Quickly, to the Angel Mobile!" Storm Shadow set off for the car, attempting nonchalantly to brush the glitter from his hair.


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm just saying, Kimi, this would be so much easier with a better Snake Eyes," Storm Shadow explained. "It's hard to put aside twenty years of bad blood, and he certainly doesn't make it any easier."

Jinx glanced over at Snake Eyes, who was enraptured by the Burkean monotony of the open road. She frowned.

"That's a bit harsh, don't you think?" she asked.

"Not really. I'll get around to making up with him eventually, of course, I just think it would be easier if he weren't so awful. Have we all forgotten that he tried to kill me?" Storm Shadow asked.

"To be fair, you had just tried to destroy Paris," Jinx replied.

"Oh, of course, because Snake Eyes is basically Charles de Gaulle," Storm Shadow said. "That still doesn't explain why I didn't get a nice Snake Eyes, who might invite you to storm a gulag with him or something. Instead, I got some smug, improbably talented, fratricidal idiot."

"So you're saying you don't have much to work with."

"Exactly."

"And you think it's all his fault? Not yours or anyone else's?" Jinx asked.

"You're really taking all the fun out of being bitter," Storm Shadow replied. "And if Snake Eyes could hear us, I would probably be slightly nicer about it. But he can't. And I've been sitting in this car for far too long to be charitable."

"He can't hear us?"

"Oh, he's way too busy moping to listen to us."

Jinx looked over at Snake Eyes again, who was still busy gazing out the car window. "Do you know what he's moping about?"

"Like I could keep track." Storm Shadow tapped Snake Eyes on the shoulder. "Hey. Snap out of it."

Snake Eyes started, then turned to Storm Shadow. _Where are we?_

"About fifteen minutes away from the last thing you remember," Storm Shadow replied.

_Oh._ Snake Eyes paused a moment. _Have you ever thought how true it is that we are born astride the grave?_

"What's your problem this time?"

_Scarlett is dead. I am sad. There is nothing of beauty left in the world._

"Ugh. I hate it when you get like this." Storm Shadow turned to Jinx. "See? I told you he was moping."

_We stumble forward, pulled incessantly on by relentless time, jolted from our comfortable insensibility only by random and unavoidable tragedy._

"The only way to get him to stop is to ignore it. Otherwise, you just encourage him to start whining about the fragility of human existence or something."

"You consider this whining?" Jinx asked.

"After you go a couple rounds with this stuff, yes, it gets old. Though Scarlett is the only thing that makes him do this, so I suppose I should consider myself lucky," Storm Shadow replied. "You don't think he would let me put him in the Arashikage Mindset, do you? At least then he would be too distracted to whine."

"Your reaction to grief is to put him in a trance?" Jinx asked. "Because you find it annoying?"

"If we were friends, my motivations might be purer," Storm Shadow admitted. "But like I said, in this universe he can get a bit stabby and I see no reason to put up with this."

Jinx sighed. "That, right there, is precisely the sort of emotional maturity I look to you for, Tommy."

"If you must use me as a role model, you could at least try to pick something I'm good at."

"Oh?"

"Like archery or monologues or something." Storm Shadow paused a moment. "And frankly, it doesn't sound like you have a better plan than mine to make him stop."

_How can I stop when everything reminds me of her absence?_

"Literally everything?" Storm Shadow asked.

_The quiet of night is a reflection of the void I feel, while the mocking beauty of the noonday sun stabs me in the heart like_ – Snake Eyes stopped. _Like a shuriken. Made of Arashikage steel. Because it is a pain that does not break._

"Brother, it's all right if you're running out of material. You can just angst in silence."

_I am not running out of material_.

"Prove it," Storm Shadow said.

It was in that moment, of course, that his mind went completely blank. He looked around the car, but still nothing. Snake Eyes leaned forward, feeling around on the gray upholstery of the car floor for some sort of inspiration – or, at the very least, the last of the candy beans. He'd nearly given up when he felt it, spiky even through his gloves. Perfect.

_This pine cone reminds me of Scarlett because –_ Oh God, what was that turn of phrase? It had all seemed so clever, if a tad unformed, in his head. Tommy's increasingly skeptical expression was not helping.

"That weird-looking pine cone you tracked in here – and somehow haven't noticed until now even though it's messy and annoying – reminds you of the woman you've loved from afar for years because…" Storm Shadow said, prompting him.

Snake Eyes frowned, glad for the protection of the mask and visor. Suddenly, it seemed, there were no similarities at all between the pine cone and Scarlett. He had never found Scarlett wedged in the labyrinth of wires beneath the passenger seat of Jinx's car, while the pine cone had never been seduced away from him by the crude and blatant – and more frustratingly, explicitly reciprocated – interest of another very extroverted pine cone.

"Look, you can just admit defeat. For what it's worth, I think it might be unsportsmanlike to mock you too much for this," Storm Shadow offered.

_Scarlett reminds me of this pine cone because they are both made of carbon._

"You just don't give up, do you?" Storm Shadow asked.

_It sounded better in my head._

"And you didn't even go for the obvious 'reddish-brown and unexpectedly pointy' thing. For shame, brother."

_'Reddish-brown.' Great choice, Tommy._

"'Reddish-brown' is perfectly accurate."

_It does not create the correct mood._

"And what mood would that be? Faux-Gothic by way of Evanescence?" Jinx asked.

_Tommy, please tell me that's somehow disrespectful and that now I can punish her._

"Even if she were your student and not the Blind Master's, I don't really see what purpose punishing _her_ would serve. It's not like it would improve the quality of your sulking any," Storm Shadow replied. "Besides, I think it's bad form to discourage honesty."

_I don't know why I stay here._

"I always assumed you were a glutton for punishment," Storm Shadow replied. "It just explains so much."

* * *

Flint wasn't often reminded of Shelley when he was on duty, but if he had to be, he supposed he would have chosen "A Dream of the Unknown," which at least had the benefit of a pleasant setting. Given that he could not choose, and was at the moment surrounded by his fallen comrades in the middle of a desert instead of perched on a shelving bank surrounded by violets and bluebells, he believed a more appropriate choice would've been "Adonais," which was at least elegiac. But somehow, watching Roadblock frantically gathering dogtags amidst the burned-out wreckage of vehicles, small beneath the vastness of the desert sky, all he could think of was "Ozymandias."

"Could you remind me again why he's doing that?" It was Lady Jaye, sitting beside him in the shade of a toppled Humvee.

"He says it's going to make a great scene later. You know, dump out all the dogtags in front of Colton, make a big deal about Duke's death, that sort of thing," Flint replied.

"He does know we use those for things, right? Like, identifying bodies that might be difficult to identify otherwise?" Jaye asked.

"If you want to be the one to tell him that, be my guest," Flint said. Jaye replied with a weary, conspiratorial look, and they fell silent again.

Eventually, Flint found himself watching her, surreptitiously. It was almost a privilege to see her unguarded like this. She was like some regal, elegant bird of prey –

"Flint, do I have something on my face?"

Flint started, surprised by Jaye's remark. "What was that?"

"I said, do I have something on my face? You keep looking at me funny," Jaye said.

"Not really, I guess."

"Not really?"

Flint shrugged. "It's nothing, Jaye."

"What is it?"

He was stuck. Denial was useless, but there also wasn't a good way to tell her what he'd actually been doing – not here, not now, and it was too hot to think of something clever– so he settled for the first thing that popped into his head. "I can't believe you're wearing eyeliner."

"What?" As though he were watching from somewhere far away, Flint noted that it was an accomplishment that he'd managed to confuse her so much that she didn't even know if she should be angry at him. He'd have to update his resume, if he ever got out of here alive.

"I mean, you just jumped down a well. It seems like some of it should've washed off. Don't worry, it doesn't look weird or anything," Flint explained.

"It doesn't look weird. Oh, thank God. I almost just died in a hole in the desert, our commander is wasting his time collecting dog tags instead of trying to get us out of here alive, and my friends and colleagues have just been massacred, but at least my eye makeup still looks good. You really know how to make a girl feel better, Flint."

Flint was about to apologize when Roadblock stumbled over, jingling with every step. "Okay, now that I'm done with that, we're heading east."

"If you don't mind me asking, what are we heading for?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Heading for? Why would we need to head for anything?" Roadblock asked.

"Because we're in the middle of the desert and have no food, water, or shelter?" Flint suggested. "Maybe it would be better to go south, since that's the direction the ocean is in."

But then Flint looked harder at Roadblock – sensible, reliable, reasonable Roadblock – and saw something strange in his eyes. Was he distracted by grief? Had he been struck by the idiot ball? Both were possible. Both were terrifying.

"We're going east," Roadblock said again. "Because I say so."

Flint and Jaye fell in behind him. The concern in her eyes was obvious, and still feeling bad about what had happened before, when he caught her eye he couldn't help mouthing a quick _I'm sorry_.

She frowned. "What?" she whispered back.

_I'm sorry_, he said again, deliberately overemphasizing the words. Confusion flitted momentarily across her face, but then her frown deepened.

"Flint, we're all sweaty. This isn't a time for your stupid jokes."

This was, quite simply, not his day.

* * *

"There are more of them than you were expecting, are there not?" Rain Shadow asked.

Kerlesshendra nodded, looking at the crowd of Sues milling about in the multipurpose gym-dojo-makeout area known as the Rec Room, and trying not to seem disappointed. She'd known that there were others like her, but she hadn't expected to feel quite this mediocre.

"It's all right, Storm Warning doesn't really care," Rain Shadow said.

"He doesn't care that everyone else had my idea?" Kerlesshendra asked.

"No. Not so long as you're willing to help him out," Rain Shadow replied.

"And what does that mean, exactly?" Kerlesshendra asked.

"Look, he likes to explain these things to new recruits himself. I'll take you to the throne room." Before Kerlesshendra could even begin to ponder the fact that she was about to be taken to a throne room, one of the Sues noticed Rain Shadow standing in the doorway.

"Oh, by the way, Rain Shadow, I wrote you in. I hope you don't mind."

"You wrote me in to your story?" he asked.

"You're my best friend who's in love with me when we're Storm Shadow's apprentices, but then I choose him instead."

"That is dishonorable," Rain Shadow said. "Ninja do not fall in love at the drop of a hat."

"Oh no, we got dishonor cooties on you," another girl said. She turned to the first Sue. "Anyway, I told you he would've said that, if you asked before you put him in."

"Whatever. It's not like he's going to read it anyway," the first Sue replied. "He doesn't read dumb girl things, remember? He was very specific about that."

"I did not say it that way," Rain Shadow protested.

"You don't even have any girls who talk in your story," the first Sue said.

"I told you guys, Jinx hasn't said anything for the last fourteen chapters because she's with Snake Eyes in the catacombs under the Arashikage dojo seeking the truth behind the Hard Master's death, and it echoes down there," Rain Shadow said.

"She didn't talk before that either," the Sue pointed out. "I assume she was too busy flying or something."

"They're just really good at jumping," Rain Shadow said. "Besides, at least my characters actually _do_ things. Your characters do something vague for five minutes before everything devolves into flirting, and then you spend forever describing their outfits."

"Description is part of good writing," the Sue replied.

"But no one cares if your sports bra matches your shoes," Rain Shadow said.

"Just like no one cares about the exact details of how elemental ninja magic works?" the Sue asked.

"That's totally different-" Rain Shadow began.

"Hey, aren't we supposed to be going to the throne room?" Kerlesshendra asked.

Although most of his face was covered by his mask, Kerlesshendra thought she could see something like relief in his eyes. "Right. Let's go."

And so they set off into the labyrinth of hallways beyond, which Kerlesshendra would later admit did seem a great deal darker and more humid than she would have thought.

* * *

The mask smelled funny. Of all the things that were uncomfortable right now – the chains, the bulky body armor, the combat boots that were a size too large – the only thing Storm Shadow could seem to concentrate on was the fact that his copy of Snake Eyes's mask was made of factory-fresh plastic that was probably leaching organic compounds all over. Of course, it wasn't that there was much else to think about. The stupid mask made it hard to hear. And while a tinted visor might be a decent idea for daytime, at night in a dark prison transport, it just made everything hard to see. Next time, he was choosing a different disguise. One that didn't involve wearing sunglasses at night.

When they finally stopped, it was all Storm Shadow could do to stumble out of the car. Constrained by the bulkiness of the suit, disoriented by the sensory deprivation, he just hoped that Zartan had, in fact, understood the President's garbled confession correctly.

It was then that he heard, very faintly, the sound of a heart that was practically fluttering. Terror, probably. At least, he hoped it was terror.

"Well, if it isn't Snake Eyes. I have to say, I'm such a fan I just don't know what to do with myself. Anyway, I'll be your glib, sadistic bureaucrat for your stay here in this horrifying secret detention facility that functions outside the law, which in no way mirrors any actual places you might be able to think of. Although I was asked to clarify that this isn't Cuba. Or that bizarrely imperialist prison pit from the last _Batman_ movie. Just in case you were wondering." Though he couldn't see the warden through the visor, Storm Shadow couldn't help but imagine he was smiling carnivorously.

"Now, if you'll kindly come with me, in just a moment you'll discover how we can violate your civil liberties simply by going underground, where there is no international law," said the warden. Storm Shadow saw the shadowy figure turn, and begin heading for what he assumed was the entrance.

"Wait, sir?" It was one of the guards. The warden turned.

"What?"

"That's not how international law works."

The warden frowned. "That is exactly how international law works. If you're in a place not claimed by any country, then there are no laws and you can torture people."

"No. Once you pass out of national jurisdiction – because you're in international waters, or an airport, or miles underground – then you pass into the realm of international law. Of course, that's never actually _stopped_ anyone from torturing someone when they really wanted to, so why you care is kind of beyond me," the guard said.

The warden rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. So we're not exactly experts on this stuff. The point is that I'm a sadist, and since that comes across, I could really care less if we're actually right."

The guard frowned. "You know, I'd probably forgive you for not bothering to check Wikipedia first if you didn't seem so nonchalant about it."

The warden cast the guard one last derisive look, and turned away. "Anyway, Snake Eyes, I hope you realize just what you've gotten yourself into. Welcome to Isengard."

* * *

_Einsargen. E-I-N-S-A-R-G-E-N, Tommy. Not Isengard._

"You know, I can't decide what I like more: the fact that the above sentence implies that you have signs for both 'Einsargen' and 'Isengard' that I understand, the fact that no one has ever asked how I understand you in the first place, or the fact that you just happen to know how to spell Einsargen," Storm Shadow said.

_ASL would also hypothetically require me to remove my mask to ask questions. It's not like we're exactly committed to realism._

"Fine. But how do you know how to spell 'Einsargen'?" Storm Shadow asked.

_It's not important._

"That's awfully evasive for something that isn't important."

_I had to look it up when I wrote that report on how Ripcord died._

"Snake Eyes, that is absolutely important. Mostly because I want to know how he bit it," Storm Shadow said.

_He came with me to Germany. Cobra knew we were there, and sent someone to sabotage the mission. I figured it out before he did, when I caught the guy messing with our parachutes._

"You parachuted into Germany?"

_Ripcord insisted. So I had time to check my gear, but I didn't have time to get to his, so I just left him a note. I guess he didn't read it or something._

"Just out of curiosity, what did the note say?" Storm Shadow asked.

_Ripcord – watch your back. Snake Eyes._

"That's it?"

Snake Eyes nodded.

"Brother, that's just a threat," Storm Shadow said. "I'm not sure he didn't jump out of that plane to get away from you."

_That's pretty cynical._

"Not when you're dealing with a ninja who's in love with your girlfriend," Storm Shadow replied. "Actually, in that case, I would argue you could never be too careful."

_And you know how?_

"I don't," he replied, with a smile that Snake Eyes would have called coy on anyone else. "I would think you'd know by now that for me, this sort of predicament is completely hypothetical."

* * *

**A/N:** An administrative note: though all of you are awesome reviewers, I have a couple anonymous reviews I wanted to answer here:

-I'd like Scarlett back in the story too – she's awesome, and I would like to not be a total hypocrite on the whole Bechdel Test thing – but at the moment I don't think a big part is in the cards. But keep your eyes open.

-To the Guest who talked about the crocodile: your review led me to one of the more amusing BBC News videos I've watched in my life, so thanks! Though I will say that I don't think the slash fangirls are always wrong – sometimes they are totally right – it's just that I don't see it for those two. Besides, Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow totally ruins my OTP, Storm Shadow/Side of the Mountain. I mean, he was hanging all over it for most of that sequence with the Red Ninja, and there were a couple times when Snake Eyes basically pushed them together. It's practically canon.


End file.
